Friday, July 16, 2010

Reportage: Restoring the Economy

Due to hugely successful promotional campaigns on the part of such left-liberal organizations as Planned Parenthood and ACORN, coupled with the decades-long efforts of Marxist-Leninist community organizers from Saul D. Alinsky to B. Hussein Obama, the economic comeback of this great Republic is being fueled in large part by a vital and resurgent Abortion Industry. As the economy slowly begins to grow and families once more have a bit of disposable income, they want to spend it. And what they most want to spend it on, economists tell us, is abortions.

Whereas only a generation ago, resourceful young girls in their formative “tween” years put away a portion of their allowances to save for the purchase of a horse, or to help finance their future college educations, today’s young girls are saving in eager anticipation of paying cold hard cash for their first abortion.

And they are getting them, too! In these uncertain times, Wall Street analysts assure us that abortion futures are among the investments most highly favored by today’s savvy market speculators.

“Nancy Pelosi and President Obama make it all sound so wonderful!” gushes 12-year-old Cindy Lou Hoover, of Independence, Missouri. “I only wish I were old enough to get pregnant right now, so I could have my first one!” Cindy Lou has been saving those nickels, dimes and quarters given to her by her grandfather, or by the friendly widower down the street (“He looks just like that nice Harry Reid!”) “ever since I was in the third grade.” Adding that, “It was those awesome ‘toons in ‘The Weekly Reader’—the ones with Sunni McBunny, Nurse Curette, and Dr. Dilation” that first fired her enthusiasm to “abort an innocent little baby, a.s.a.p.”

“Gosh, who wouldn’t want to?” Cindy Lou asks. “It’s, like, the patriotic thing to do!”

Who indeed?! As a renewable resource—and one that will never be outsourced, so long as Obama-Care and the rest of the socialist/liberal/humanist agenda remains in full force—abortion is, and should continue to be, the fastest growing industry in the private sector.

With abortion clinics popping up along Main Street like proverbial fungi, filling storefronts abandoned by Blockbuster Video and other failed franchise operations, property values and tax bases are being restored and maintained, even as thousands of new, high-paying jobs are being created on a daily basis.

Whereas former President George W. Bush unsuccessfully urged Americans faced with an economic downturn to go out to the mall and spend, the current occupant of the White House has saved the day by counseling American females to spend their disposable income on the abortion services that his life-long socialist agitation has done so much to make freely available to them. “It’s like we used to say about voting back in Chicago,” he grins. “Do it early and do it often!”

And Wall Street is saying “Amen to that!”